The Single Parent Lens

I used to be a single mom. No, I mean, I was a single mom before I was a married mom and then a single mom again. But there was a difference. I learned how to parent alone as soon as my son was born. I didn't know any different. I had my parents and my family supporting me, but I didn't have the second half of the equation. So I didn't know what that was ever like. You can't truly miss something you never had. Or feel the magnitude of that something - a partner, a co-parent, a sounding board, another income - and its absence.

This time was different. Not for a single second did I ever take for granted what it meant to have someone else to make decisions with, to share parenting joys, to take over when I tapped out. Not for a single second. Because I came from not having that starting out as a parent. So even the slightest gestures moving the needle toward any semblance of me not doing 100% of the whole parenting thing was never, ever lost on me.

But it's a different beast entirely when you go from two parents to one. Single parenthood was not something I ever planned for or thought I'd be faced with. I paid my dues, right? I did that already. I had my turn at it. I wasn't supposed to be faced with that again.

It felt like a punch in the gut from God, from the universe, from whoever was involved with placing me and my children in that position. It didn't only feel like a punch in the gut, it was.

The idea of single parent hood is pretty much just a concept or stigma or stereotype to those never affected by it. Or even far removed from it. I remember having very strong opinions about what it took to hold a family together and what others were lacking and why it would never again happen to me. I want to laugh as I type that. I wanted a traditional marriage and there was a price to pay for that. Loss of independence being the highest. But whatever price we pay and whatever bubble we live in, it shapes our world view. It shapes the way we see things.

I don't think I was prepared for what it would be like going from a two parent household to a single parent household. When a household splits up, decision making is split, support is split, and income is split. Best case scenario, you have a two income household that splits into two one income households. But is that even best case? Because now you have two households that used to have a combined income now struggling to support the same children with the same needs on one income each. That's not even addressing stay at home moms who have no income. What do they do?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this whole experience has been eye opening and that's the understatement of the year. Being a single parent is like this: You have all your responsibilities you used to have PLUS all the responsibilities the other parent took care of. So I'm cleaning the house and cooking the dinners, and making the lunches, and calling the doctor's offices, and giving the cold medicine, and fighting with insurance, and taking the kids to school, and tucking into bed, and giving the baths, AND I'm responsible for all of the bills and all of the income and all of the yard work and all of the car maintenance and all of the discipline and all of the fixing stuff and all of the light bulbs and all of the catching creepy crawly things and all of the big talks and all of the planning for the future. I'm essentially living a life built by and for two people as one.

There is no tapping out. There is nobody to bounce things off of. There is no other half. And it's overwhelming. There. I said it.

It is overwhelming as hell. And if I judged any single mom ever for any choices she ever made, I've seen the light. Go out and do your thing, girl. You are the sole person with those kids, doing for those kids, taking care of those kids, making money for those kids, making decisions for those kids, feeding those kids, and putting those kids to bed. If you want some free time away from those kids, you deserve it. You don't have to be a martyr. Your work as a mother is sacred. A few hours or a few days away from your kids for a break will never change that, no matter what Susan from church says.

We all judge things based on our own experiences and our own world view from our own little bubble of circumstances. If this whole experience of being a single mom and then being a married mom and then being a single mom again has taught me anything, it's that things are never black and white. Things are muddy and messy. I've not only been served a big slice of humble pie, but it came with a side of compassion ice cream. I see things differently. In my old life there was a safety in the opinions and judgments I had. I had convictions based on the life I lived, the part of town I lived in, the person I was married to, the children I had, the things we did and had, and that was the lens with which I saw the entire world. That was the lens I expected everyone else to have and live by. When you're launched out of your comfort zone, everything changes.

Single parenthood is tough. And isolating. And it feels wildly unfair to everyone involved. But as I put my two younger ones to bed last night I reflected on the alternative. If the alternative is to be the one NOT here doing the sacred, messy work of parenting, I'm out. The one NOT kissing little cheeks goodnight and turning out the light. That's just not a lens I'm willing to wear or a reality I'm willing to adopt.

So we figure it out. Overwhelmed, yes. Unsure, yes. Exhausted, yes. Strained, yes. Our lens has changed. It's clearer than it's ever been. The work is sacred. The faith is imperfect. And the rewards are great.